If you are noticing that your child is giving you more push-back than normal, or if you feel as though you’re navigating through one power struggle after another, know you’re not alone.
“This is common behavior, especially for teenagers because they are seeking more independence, and the importance of their peers and what their friends think is also increasing,” said Liz Schultz, LCSW-R, and Multisystemic Therapy expert for Catholic Charities of Buffalo. “It’s important to remember that push back and power struggles are not a personal attack on you as a parent, and they will not last forever.”
If the behavior is not a risk to health and safety, one standard recommendation from MST therapists is to ignore behviors like an eye roll or sighing, and to take a break and walk away from the situation.
“This actually helps preserve the relationship and avoids leading to further escalation,” Schultz said. “It often sounds counterintuitive when we suggest this to the families we work with, as their first thought is often, ‘This leads to the child winning.’ But it’s actually the winning behavior for the caregiver because it is preventing a conflict or argument from escalating. It allows both parties to cool off and not say hurtful things in the moment that can be hard to come back from later on.”
Another benefit from this tactic? It demonstrates who is making the decision to end the conversation or conflict, which in turn signals a limit being set. Consistency is key to decreasing future behaviors. And what happens once tensions have settled? Returning to the conversation is always an option.
“Once both parties have calmed, and perhaps feel less emotional or reactive, the same topic can be revisited with more level heads to lead to a more productive outcome,” Schultz said.
For navigating the day-to-day, and keeping things humming in your household, Schultz recommends the following tips:
- Maintain a routine and ensure kids are getting a good night’s sleep, including going to bed and waking up at the same time.
- Eat breakfast before running out the door. Kids will have difficulty focusing and learning if they are hungry.
- Have clear expectations for daily attendance at school. Set the expectation early and every day to go to school.
- Be connected to your child’s school; there is so much power in knowledge. Ask your child who their teachers are, if they have homework, what was something they learned that day. Also be sure to check out the school’s website and be connected to any online portal or apps they use. This will assist you in managing and knowing your child’s grades and attendance and any in-school concerns that may arise.
- Ask about your child’s day and be curious and interested. Ask about friends, homework they need to do, did they eat lunch? The more you know about their day in school will enhance your bond with your child, as well as keep you connected to their life at school.
- If your child is struggling with grades, or attendance, reach out to the school. Share your concerns and have a conversation about tactics you have already tried. They are here to help you and direct you.
If you feel the behaviors of your child are beyond typical push back, and the behaviors have escalated into actions such as: verbal or physical aggression, truancy, substance use, criminal activity, and/or running away, know that programs like Catholic Charities MST can help your family.
“At MST, there is no one size fits all approach. We tailor each of our intervention strategies to the family we are working with, tapping into their strengths for optimal success,” Schultz said. “It’s important to know that you are not alone and that you do not need to walk this road alone. We are here to help.”
To connect with Catholic Charities MST, call (716) 207-7472.